Time to start growing!

I’ve got them in my hand! I can’t believe it. I’ve waited yonks for today. I have the keys to my allotment at last and I’m soooooo excited!

Actually I have two keys, one unlocks the gate to the site and the other is for the padlock on my shed. Listen to me, “my shed”, doesn’t that sound cool?

As I’m sure you recall I applied for an allotment ages ago. I was using a patch of ground in my parent’s garden to grow things, but after my success at the village flower and produce show last year I thought it would be a good idea to expand my horticultural endeavour and adopt a more professional approach.

Trouble is allotments are hard to come by. They are provided by the local council on life-long leases which can be handed down to younger relatives and therefore rarely become available. But old Bert Hestlethwaite had no one to hand his down to and yesterday the council called to say I could have it!

Thing was he insisted that he hand the keys over personally. He’d had the plot for 55 years and he wanted to see who was taking it over.

Well dear old Bert lives in a local home for the bewildered, so I had to visit him there. Queen Mary House it’s called, and as soon as I walked through the door my mind wandered back to last year’s Glastonbury Rock Festival. It wasn’t so much the music I was reminded of, more the toilet tent. Eeew!

Anyway, I was pointed in Bert’s direction, but the row of elderly people all looked a little similar to one another so I had a certain amount of difficulty locating him. However, find him I did. He was a small man with a shock of white hair and a very white face to match. He had deep set round eyes which looked a little like pee holes in the snow.

‘Mr Hestlethwaite’ I said. No reaction. ‘Mr Hestlethwaite’ I said, a little louder this time. He kind of jumped then said ‘Who are you young lady? Have you come to change my dressing?’

I explained that I was Miss Pinkerton and I’d come for the keys but I didn't think that he'd heard me properly.

‘What is it you want?’ he said.

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‘The keys’ I shouted 'the keys'

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‘Bless you’ he said.

‘No’ I said ‘I didn’t sneeze, I need the keys’.

Well after a while a care assistant came to help me out and before long Bert and I were chatting like old friends albeit at a fairly high volume! He seemed to like me which was good. He explained which keys were which and told me he’d left his tools in the shed for me. That was nice, wasn’t it? He also made me promise to bring him something I’d grown now and again. I said I would.

So there it is. I am now the proud owner of a patch of soil and a shed on the road up to Beachy Head in Eastbourne. I can’t wait to get going on it. Next weekend I’ll start digging and preparing the soil ready for planting. I’m so chuffed. I need to make some curtains for the shed window – I suppose I could knit them, we’ll see. I need a rug, an arm chair and one of those camping gas stoves so I can make mugs of tea.

At the moment it looks a bit of a mess. I don’t suppose Bert’s been here for a year or two. But I’ll soon have it looking spick and span with vegetables standing proud like rows of soldiers and a rainbow of flowers to brighten up even the dullest of days. I’ve decided not to take a photo for you just yet. I’ll leave that for a week or two. I will however show you a picture of the gate to whet your appetites!

I found this poem. I didn’t write it but I think it’s rather sweet and I’m thinking of printing it out and framing it for my shed wall. What do you think?

This is my garden,

I'll plant it with care,

Here are the seeds

I'll plant in there,

The sun will shine,

The rain will fall,

The seeds will sprout

and grow up tall.

Oh dear, I've upset Keith!

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Oh golly gosh! Dosey Rosey is in deep shi....(err, woops!) trouble with my friend Keithy Weethy :(

Look, back me up here guys, please! You knew that my revelations about him were just written in fun, don't you? He even left a good humoured comment himself down there at the bottom, but then he went all hoity-toity in an unexpected phone call to me just now saying I'd gone too far.

Do you remember the days before I had my own blog? He took the pee out of me something rotten. Did I object? Did I complain? Well, actually I did, but it made no difference.

So there he is, streched out on a sun lounger thousands of miles way being waited on hand and foot by his long suffering daughter in law Alice and he has the gall to complain about little 'ole me having a bit of innocent fun 'at his expence' (quote)

Anyway, just to keep the peace I apol.....apol...... apol.....this is not easy dammit....apologise. There I've done it. I won't tell his adouring public ( disciples he calls you!! what do you think of that?) anything else about him. Done. Over. No more. End of story.Promise.

Actually I must tell you this - I bet you didn't know that he claims to have once seen a flying saucer! And I don't mean one his ex-wife threw at him! It was back in the 60's apparently. He really thought he saw it and he went to the police and reported it. Then the local press turned up at his house and wanted him to tell their readers all about it. He even drew a picture which they published! What makes it all the funnier is that he had been at a party at the time. Nineteen-sixties? Parties? Draw your own conclusions!

Oh listen to this! He goes on his own to The Five Ashes Inn on his day off each week. Because he's old he gets a free bus pass. That's funny in itself but there's more. Firstly he's so well known to the bus drivers that if he's not standing the bus stop to go home at 4.50pm on a Monday, they have been known to stop outside the pub and toot their hooter to get him out! And there's more. This happens regularly. He falls asleep on the bus and if it's a driver that doesn't know him he is left undisturbed until the end of the route in Hastings six miles past his house!

Now this is a hoot. Actually I'm not sure I should tell you, but I think I'm in so much doo-doo now that a bit more won't matter. Well, when he phoned me from Dubai just now to have a moan about my last post ( not the bugle sort - I don't play the bugle!) he told me that he'd had a panic sitution a few hours ago. It seems he woke up at four this morning suddenly convinced he'd lost his passport! All morning he's been going through his bags, looking under beds and searching all his clothes. He couldn't find it anywhere so he called the airport and contacted the British Embassy to report it missing. A couple of hours ago his patient d-i-l Alice told him on the phone from work that she had it! He'd forgotten that he'd handed it to her on Sunday ready for a security check when they drove into Oman for the day! Plonker or what?

Oh well, I'd better stop there although I'm itching to tell you about last month when......... perhaps I'll save it for the next time he goes away!
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Peace at last!

Hey guys, has he gone? By now my friend Keith should have flown away for one whole week, and for the next few days he won’t be watching over my shoulder and making those tutting noises. I reckon this a good opportunity to put the record straight on one or two things. Things you don’t know!

For instance I bet you didn’t know he types with one finger. It looks so funny. And you should see all the red underlining put there by the spell checker! Spelling is not his strong point.

He’s lazy too. Get this, he eats his food off paper plates and uses disposable cutlery to avoid washing up! I mean, come on. It’s not exactly the thing to do in these green awareness days.

Not only that, but he eats in front of his PC. You should see the state of his keyboard. There’s enough dropped food between the keys to feed one of the smaller starving nations for a week!

He also tells awful jokes. You’ve probably noticed that he accuses me of not understanding his witty quips. Well, the reason I don’t laugh is because they are not funny, and unlike his mates I’m not going to pretend they are.

I tell you what’s really annoying. He never swears. I’ve never heard an expletive leave his lips. It’s all an image thing I’m sure. I don’t mind admitting that the odd naughty word does on occasions leave my otherwise pure and clean mouth. What’s wrong with that? If I stub my toe I say... well, I’ll leave it to your imagination. And if I get overexcited when I’m telling a tale, my language can become somewhat colourful. What do I get?

‘Rosey my dear, you really shouldn’t use a swear words as a substitute for a carefully chosen one. Not only is it lazy but it may suggest to some that you have a very poor command of the English language which of course you have not’.

Obviously they are not his exact words; I’m trying to give you a flavour of what I have to put up with. Bloody cheek.

Anyway I may let you have a few more snippets later in the week. We’ll see!


ps. In case you read this while you are away Keith I'm sure you know this all meant in fun! It's all true of course.
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boo!

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This week's word on Sunday Scribblings is Scary
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I’m a little bit wary
of things that are scary
of ghoolies and ghosties and things
The ultimate fright
is a bump in the night
and a certain old lady with wings.

She’s Mary the Fairy
she’s haggard and hairy
and wizened and wrinkled and smells
She’s not like the others
She’s got seven brothers
who make her cast unpleasant spells

With a wave of her wand
kids fall in the pond
and they trip and they skid and they fall
Her brothers just giggle
when her nose does a wiggle
and lets out the air from their ball.

I’m hoping one day
that she’ll fly away

with her brothers her potions and things
There’ll be one less thing scary
when Mary the Fairy
takes off with a flap of her wings

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Heyyyy - it's True Colours Thursday again. My, how the weeks fly by (I sound like my Gran!) This week we are having a go at Black and White. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be posting black and white pictures, or pictures of black and white things (if you see what I mean) Anyway, I've gone for the latter!



I didn't take this picture. I lifted if from DeviousArt. It's a little black dress, not dissimilar from mine. Actually I always have trouble with mine. It's a bit tight and has an annoying habit of riding up when I'm not concentrating! Fortunately I have little black undergarments to match!


This is a blackboard. I only mention it because more and more schools are now using white boards (I'm sure the politically correct minority no longer approve of these words but hey-ho) We still have some in our school. I avoid using them because I hate it when I scrape my finger nails on the surface - I'm cringing just thinking about it! Anyway, I thought you'd find this picture of me amusing. Thanks Leyla!


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I just LOVE this white dragon which is crawling up a pole in our local shopping mall.



I took this picture of swans and cignets almost a year ago. Time I went back to the park to see how they are doing.

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That's black and white done. Next week we are doing Lime. Now, what goes with lime? Why, gin and tonic of course! Sante!.'

Not the best party I've been to.

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Sunday Scribblings wants us to Celebrate this week.

I love to celebrate. I don’t need much of an excuse! A sniff of a bottle of chardonnay and a bowl of nuts and I’m there!

I have had the odd embarrassing situation. It’s usually when I’ve misunderstood the wording on the invitation. A couple of years back I was asked to attend a farewell get-together. It was from an aged aunt whom I was very fond of as a child, but had not seen much of in recent years. The invite said something about their son, my second cousin going on a journey.

Well, Cousin Jonathon was always something of an adventurer. He was constantly trekking across continents, climbing mountains and plodding across deserts on the back of a camel. There was even a film about him on some obscure TV channel which people only watch by accident!

That reminds me, I was channel hopping ‘tother day and I found this odd programme called Insatiable Sister Ignatius. Well, I had a nun-type teacher at my boarding school called Sister Ignatius who was extremely fat and she always said it was because of her insatiable appetite. (She was always spilling food down her front and we always said she taught us dirty habits!) I obviously didn’t think that the film would be about her, she’s probably burst by now, but I was curious. Well, I was horrified at what I saw. Call me old fashioned but I really had no idea what modern nuns get up to!

Where was I? Oh yes, Cousin Jonathon’s farewell bash. I thought it would be a good idea to turn up in mild fancy dress – a friend loaned me an explorer’s hat (at least, he said it was, although I’m not entirely sure what explorers where on their sensible heads. It looked a bit like an upturned green canvas shopping bag to me!) I hung a pair of binoculars around my neck (actually they were opera glasses but they are the same thing) and an Ordnance Survey map in one of those see through covers. I found a great farewell card in Hallmark which played So Long Farewell from the Sound of Music.

When I arrived the front door was open. It seemed a bit quiet but I thought ‘I’ll soon liven this party up’! So in I went.

Oh dear. How embarrassing. There I was, huge grin on my face and Julie Andrews singing at the top of her voice from a greetings card. I think the invite should have been clearer. If I had known that Cousin Jonathon had met an untimely end in the jaws of an alligator in an Amazonian swamp ,I’d have dressed in black. I certainly wouldn’t have taken my crocodile skin handbag.

Seemed there had been a private memorial service earlier in the day for the immediate family and I was a guest at a celebration of his life with wine and canapés. Fortunately another cousin of mine was there and saw the funny side of it. He said I’d received a wake-up call!
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Reddy when you are!

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When I told my friends that this week’s theme on True Colours Thursday was to be scarlet someone said that it was the perfect colour for a scarlet woman. Everyone laughed and I did too although I wasn’t quite sure what was so funny. I thought they were referring to my similarity to Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind – strong, feisty and sexy. Anyway I thought I’d Google ‘scarlet woman’ and I was horrified to discover it means a woman of easy virtue. Actually it said worse than that but I couldn't possibly print it here! Just wait ‘til I see them.

As soon as I saw today’s colour I thought ‘Shopping!’ I’d find plenty of scarlet things to photograph in a decent store. So that’s what I did. I went shopping!
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I just had to buy those scarlet shoes......

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.......but I didn't buy this scarlet bag

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I couldn't resist this scarlet dress and I almost bought some plates and things, but I did resist resist those.

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Would I have made a good air stewardess? I often think I’d would. A dolly with a trolley. I must admit that one of the attractions has to be that gorgeous scarlet uniform the Virgin girls get to wear. But I'd get very embarrassed checking that the men have their seat belts fastened.

Do you reckon black and white are colours? No, nor do I, but that’s the theme for next week. Best put on my thinking cap!