20.12.08

It started with a piece of liver

This week Sunday Scribblings want us to write using the word late. Writers Island has asked us to use the phrase slipped through my fingers. I've used them both in one piece. I'm not stupid!!!

I was late for my first aid course the other day. I had to do some shopping on the way because I wanted to get some liver from the butcher for my supper.

Now call me odd if you wish, but I just love the feel of liver. It’s sort of slimy in a tactile kind of way and I simply couldn’t resist a grope as I scurried through the mall.

So there I was with this chunk of liver in my hand when the pesky thing made its escape - it slipped through my fingers.

I stopped and turned to pick it up from the floor, when some poor fellow trod on it and went skidding uncontrollably towards an old lady sitting on a bench. I can still see the look of horror on her wrinkled little face as he suddenly tripped and fell with his face in her lap.

Well, she was holding a bag at the time, and I think it must have had something very solid inside it because when he twisted round and gazed up at me he had the beginnings of a pretty nasty black eye.

Rosey to the rescue! I remembered that a good way to ease an injured eye is to plonk a piece of steak over it. I didn’t have a steak, but it occurred to me that liver might just have the same effect. I couldn’t find it at first but then I noticed it stuck to the soul of his shoe. I peeled it off and carefully placed it over his sore peeper.

He made a strange sound, I can’t really describe it, but I got the impression that he was suffering a little discomfort. I suppose it must have been a bit gritty.

An onlooker noticed that I had a water bottle sticking out of my bag. She said we should use its contents to rinse out his eye as quickly as possible. I started to take the bottle from my bag and she grabbed it before I could explain that it was not just water. In fact it wasn’t water at all. It was lemonade. Oh, and it was liberally laced with vodka. You see, my first aid classes can be a bit boring, so I sometimes – well, I usually take a little tipple with me in the guise of mineral water!

It was getting worse. By the weird noises he was making his eye was obviously stinging rather badly. I thought it might help if we could sit him up, so I grabbed his arm and tugged. I’ve never heard a yell like the one he let out then!

By now quite a crowd had gathered, and fortunately most of them had not witnessed the liver incident which set off this whole sorry situation. So I turned to the nosey lady next to me, tutted, and made a comment about what a shame it was that he’d injured himself. Then I discretely made my escape by backing away through the assembled mass and blending into the folk walking past.

A couple of days later I was back in the mall when hobbling in my direction came a man walking with a crutch, his eye bandaged and his arm in a sling. I nipped into the nearest shop, and intended staying in there until he’d passed!

Unfortunately I was looking over my shoulder rather than where I was walking, and that’s when the display shelves toppled over showering a child with dozens of teddy bears. I don’t have much luck.

14 comments:

Elizabeth said...

I really dislike liver and everything about it. However, your story is really funny and so discriptive, I felt like I was watching the entire incident from beginning to end. Thank you for a good healthy chuckle, and though it doesn't change my mind about liver, it will certainly change my response to the word.

Elizabeth

Rinkly Rimes said...

What a great comic writer you are!

Alisa said...

Hilarious! Like Elizabeth, I could see it all unfold just so…vodka and lemonade is great but liver is disgusting! Have you gotten to anatomy in first aide class? If not, look up what the liver does…and then you want to eat it????? Eewh!

I know, I know…my husband is on your side but he has to cook his own.

Anyway…your story gave me a giggle. Good job!

Lilly said...

what a great story!

keiths ramblings said...

It might have been better if you has mentioned that the mall floor was highly polished. I think you've exagerated one or two details for comic effect, but I guess I'm in no position to comment. All in all, not a bad effort.

rosey said...

Hi Keith. Thanks for your advise. I wonder how many folk have noticed the dreadful gramatical error in your SS piece? He he!!

Elizabeth and Alisa - liver is ambrosia - heaven sent. Ok it pays not to think too deeply about where it comes from, but a plate of it with onions, crispy bacon, red wine gravy and creamy mashed spuds is as close to perfection as you are likely to encounter!

Rinkly ( I don't like calling you that) thanks for your comment. Okay, so I get critised for using exageration for effect, but I don't see too much wrong with that, do you? After all I had a great teacher - didn't I Keith!

lissa said...

what a fun tale, real or not, quite entertaining, who knew one piece of liver can cause so much incidents?

BJ Roan said...

A very enjoyable comedy piece. Good going! Loved the liver stuck to his shoe.

b said...

I'm so sorry for the poor man...even if he is fictitious. I suspect he is real though and I laughed like a fool. When they say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" they may have had you in mind!

Loved it!

b

linda may said...

Rosey where did you find those Christmas carols. I had a good giggle at the version of Jingle bells.

Linda Jacobs said...

Oh, this is a riot! I love how the dominoes just keep falling!

Tumblewords: said...

Love the humor and writing in this piece! Great work!

Whitesnake said...

I rang a pizza place and asked if they deliver they said yes so I asked for a large pizza with liver and pineapple he said they dont do liver I said ya told me ya did........!

Tammie Lee said...

Oh my gosh you had me laughing, you tell a wild tale!