Sunday Scribblings this week wants us to write about 'Listen up' We don't say that here, but Keith reckons it's ok if we just say 'listen'.
This was so embarrassing. I was with my friends having a drink as I often do and the landlord, Jack flapped his hand in my direction. I thought he was giving me a little wave, so I waved back.
Then he did it again and put a finger up to his lips like you do when you want someone to say nothing. Odd I thought, then I realised he was discreetly beckoning me. Anyhow me and my big mouth. ‘Jack wants to see me’ I said. I instantly realised by the scrunched up look on Jacks face that I’d done the wrong thing. Mind you his face is pretty scrunched up anyway, but this was kind of double-scrunched.
So I changed the subject by way of a distraction, and then said I had to go and powder my nose. That’s a funny expression isn’t it? My Mother always says it when she needs a pee. She doesn’t powder her nose at all!
So I walked over to the bar, checked that wasn’t being watched and stood with my back to it the way private detectives do in the movies when they want to pretend that they are not talking to anyone.
‘Tss tss - Rosey’ Jack hissed. I’m not sure if that’s how you spell a hiss but I’m sure you get my drift!
‘Why are you whispering? Jack?’I asked.
‘Shh’ another hiss. ‘Listen, I need to tell you something’.
I leaned against the bar and Jack approached my shell-like ear. He whispered something.
‘You’ll have to whisper louder’ I said, and several people turned in our direction.
Well, I couldn’t really understand what he was saying. It was like ‘listen carefully, this is very important’. Then he carried on and even accidentally spat in my ear which was not very pleasant.
I worked out that he was planning a surprise for some girl’s birthday, and knowing that our group are always the life and soul of the party he wanted us to start cheering and clapping when a male stripper dressed as a policeman arrived in the pub. I explained to my mates what we had to do.
I must state here and now that I don’t approve of such things. But I daren’t say anything against it because I get teased.
Anyway an hour or so later a ‘policeman’ came in. Quite a dishy one actually. That was my cue. ‘He’s here’ I said and we started shouting – well, I didn’t shout, but the others were shouting ‘strip strip strip’.
An red faced girl wearing a big badge with 21 on it and a pink helium balloon tied to her wrist was dragged from her chair and plonked down on a stool in front of him, then everyone except me formed a circle around them. Jack turned the music up loud. I did not particularly want to witness this lewd spectacle so I stayed in my seat.
Then someone said something behind me. I turned round and there was another policeman. ‘This is the Three Bells isn’t it?' he asked. 'If so they seemed to have double booked’
It was when the first policeman put his walkie-talkie to his mouth and starting shouting for assistance that I realised I’d made a mistake.
No one was watching me, so I slipped away.